The follow is an excerpt from the upcoming book ‘A Single Man’s Guide to Dating, Sex and Attraction’ by Shaun Patrick
Self-Confidence is the most valuable characteristic a man can possess. Period. It’s worth more than wealth, more than great looks and more than status; confidence is the deciding factor in getting the most out of your life. If you take anything from this book, I sincerely hope it’s that you learn to live your life with confidence. If not for your career, if not for your personal or romantic life, developing strong self-confidence is something you MUST do for YOU.
When it comes to having high self-confidence, it’s largely about having a strong internal frame. This means not allowing the external world to affect your actions or emotions and drawing your strength from within.
When it comes to my own confidence, I live by the rule that ‘it doesn’t matter’. This has become my personal mantra, because for a large part of my life, I was overly concerned with how others viewed me. I wanted validation and needed it to feel secure in myself. I was heavily externally framed: the outside world dictated my inner world.
If someone didn’t accept me or think positively of me, it made me think less of myself. If I got rejected (which I did many times), I felt like I wasn’t good enough. This kind of thinking led me to develop a dependence on external validation. Little did I know that none of that mattered and had I stop placing so much importance on how much the world told me I was worth, my life would have been very different.
This is the trap that many of us fall into when it comes to being confident in ourselves. We learn to let external circumstance determine our sense of self-worth. Worst of all, we often convince ourselves we aren’t good enough; a thought that couldn’t be further from the truth.
The reality is that you are good enough. You always have been but without believing this in your heart and embracing who you are, you will always lack the confidence to get what you want (and what you deserve). Worrying about what others think of you, or about failure and rejection, will only hold you back. These thoughts restrict us from being our true selves and stop us from achieving anything; usually convincing us that we shouldn’t even try.
Fear itself is one of the greatest enemies in getting what we want, and how you deal with fear directly affects your level of confidence. You can’t let the fear of an unpleasant outcome, or the fear of behaving authentically, influence your actions. This fear will convince you not to say what’s honestly on your mind and not to go after what you want. If you do let fear decide for you, you’ll always hold back who you are and shy away from what you truly think, feel or desire, because it’s safer that way. It’s safer than being uncomfortable, or being embarrassed or having to face rejection and failure. This habit of allowing fear to govern your actions is something you must destroy if you want to develop unshakable confidence in yourself.
Make your own rules
In the end, this life is a dream; a game to be played and enjoyed. What this means for you is that you can make your own rules, play it as you wish. It’s your story and you can write your own ending. As I said before, I believe nothing we do really matters in the grand scheme of the universe. Fact is, one day you and everything you know will become nothing more than dust blowing in the wind. So you may as well enjoy yourself while you can and live how you want. Whether it’s failure, rejection, fear or embarrassment- these things cannot hurt you, but if you let them, they can control you and destroy your chances of living your life to the fullest.
I suggest the next time you feel afraid to go after what you want, you ask yourself this question : If I were to die tomorrow, would I regret not going after this today?
I hope this helps you as much as it helped me.
-The Single Man