The  complete fricken-idiot’s guide to Valentines Day – For Men

It’s that time again fellas: Valentines Day. That magical time of year when our women expect us to shower them with flowers, gifts and take them out for expensive…I mean, romantic dates and dinners. Yup, we get 364 days a year to neglect our lovely girlfriends and wives, but now it’s time to pay the piper. Let me ask you: Did you remember to plan out a magical evening designed to wine and dine her, sweep her off her feet, get her to give you hot and wild monkey-sex and shut the hell up about it for another year?

If not, don’t worry, The Single Man has got your back! Just follow the steps and you’ll have a slam-dunk date and get that special Valentines BJ she’s been promising you.

1.Put in some god damn effort

Okay, first and foremost you don’t have to go out and spend hundreds of dollar at the fanciest restaurant in town, buy her a super expensive diamond bracelet or exhaust yourself by setting up some highly-elaborate date. You know what she really wants from you, more than anything? To put in the effort that shows her she’s special and you thought of her. That’s it… and maybe for you to go down on her after dinner, but I digress.

Whether you’re staying in or going out, it’s easy to make her valentines day enjoyable, personal and romantic (and ensure some sweet nookie). The point I want to drive home is this: make it about her, for fucks sake. At the very least, she’ll appreciate the effort.

Don’t just go in blind either, do your homework. Find out what is special to her. Don’t just get her the same old bouquet of roses every other sap is buying from the local supermarket. Find out what her favorite flowers are and get her that. Does she like wine? Buy a bottle of her favorite wine, either at dinner or for you to drink together cuddling on the couch and watching her favorite romantic movie. Does she have a favorite restaurant or dish? Go to that restaurant or make her that dish. See what I’m getting at?

2. Flirt with her, you jerk

This is something that’s easy to fall out of for long-term couples. You been together forever and that spark has died down a little bit. If you don’t already know this, your girl might really like to flirt and playfully tease each other, like you two used to when you were a pimpin young man trying to get up in it. Keep it fun and sexy, flirting is like mental foreplay for a lot of women. If you and her get dressed-up for your date, tell her how beautiful and sexy she looks. Is she wearing a dress? Tell her she looks so good in it that it’s getting you excited about getting her out of it. Make her feel sexy you dumbass.

3.  Remind her why she’s special

At some point during the date, after you’ve gone out/stayed in, done some flirting and teasing, you should reminder her why she is special to you and why you love her (puke). If you want to really get her to melt, talk to her about when the two of you first met. Reminisce about what you thought when you first saw her, how it was when you first kissed her or when you two first started dating. Steer the conversation towards this point-in-time in your relationship, when you were going through the process of falling for each other. Bonus points if you go into detail about how you felt about her during this time. This is going to take both of you back to that special time and bring out some really good feelings and memories. Don’t be surprised if she looks like she wants to pounce on you after this moment but be ready in case she does.

4. Take your time

If you’ve been following along, by now you two should be in the bed/on the couch making out and dry-humping like a couple of horny 16 year olds. It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for: The nookie. Make it special for her. Take your time, lots of foreplay, focus on her… tease her till she begs you for more.

Now, I don’t need to tell you how to go about banging your lady, but I will say this: It’s valentines day you fuck. Be passionate, hold her tight, give it to her slow, hard and deep. Then, once she’s got her jollies a few times, bend her over and go cave-man… but you know, within reason (or not?)

5. Let her fall asleep in your arms

That’s it. Just do that and go to sleep, you got to get up and go to work in the morning.

Alright guys, that’s it for the SMB’s official guide to valentines day. I hope you’ve enjoyed this as much as I did writing it and I hope it helps you have a great time with your lady.

Cheers

-The Single Man

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